In Like Twin

As I found myself in the midst of recovery, I was only a few hours post-partum and things were not looking good. I didn’t feel right at all. It had been a rough day and the night continued to get worse as I tried to get out of bed for the first time. Oakley and my nurse stood next to me as one held each arm. When I stood up from the bed I felt nauseous and light headed. I began to sweat and felt like I was going to pass out. I knew this couldn’t be normal. I kept telling Oakley and my nurse that I didn’t feel well and I was worried I was going to fall. My heart was pounding out of my chest. My ears were so muffled it was hard to hear anything that they were saying. My body hurt and my head hurt. Every single step took my breath away. Every movement just seemed to intensify my symptoms. I had never felt this bad in my entire life. I knew something was wrong. I felt like I was running a marathon and all I was trying to do was get to the bathroom. When I finally made it from the bed to the toilet, I felt a sense of relief as I sat down. Oakley had fear in his eyes as he looked at me sitting on the toilet. My nurse seemed to be a little confused on what was going on, but reassured us that we will figure it out. As I stood back up from the toilet I felt the same wave of symptoms come over me. At that moment, just getting up from the toilet took everything out of me. All I wanted to do was sit back down, but they encouraged me to continue to walk.

Once I finally made it to my bed, I felt better. I began to catch my breath and my heart rate slowed down a bit. I was really worried, and so was Oakley. It was at this point that the scary thoughts began to cross my mind. I kept wondering if this was normal. I remember thinking, why am I feeling this way? What caused this? Am I going to die? I was just scared. Oakley tried to be strong for me but I could see the expressions on his face. He was scared too. Luckily, I had the perfect distraction for this situation I found myself in, my two beautiful babies lying peacefully in their bassinets. The moments I was able to hold their little warm small bodies against mine made me feel so full inside and safe, despite the fact I was sick and unwell. Looking at their little hands, noses and fingers amazed me. I couldn’t believe my body created such beautiful humans. They were perfectly healthy and even though I was struggling, I was thankful it was me, and not them.

Over the next few hours, Oakley changed diapers and did his best to tend to our babies since I couldn’t. I can remember watching him bottle feed the twins and trying so hard to stay calm as I knew he was freaking out. I felt so worthless, I wanted to breastfeed them, but I felt so unwell and they didn’t act interested at all. This is not how I expected things to go after giving birth. I wanted to enjoy these moments, but instead, I felt so detached from reality. I was on medication right after my cesarean due to the pain and surgery, and that put me in a daze. I felt horrible deep down because I couldn’t help him, but I knew I needed to rest. Although, watching him with the babies gave me the comfort I needed. It showed me that no matter what, he was going to be a good daddy and take care of them. 

I found it very difficult to fall asleep the first night. I felt so uncomfortable. When I would try to lay down flat, it felt as if my organs were loseley floating around in my stomach. Nothing was secure in there, it felt like jello. The only way I was comfortable was when I was sitting up. This was extremely aggravating, considering how uncomfortable the hospital bed was. Three hours after the bathroom incident, my nurse finally came back in to check on me. It happened to be the middle of the night when my nurse finally came in and all I could think was, here we go again. She wanted me to try to stand up. I slowly shifted my body to the edge of the bed and let my feet hit the floor. I could already tell this wasn’t going to be good. As soon as my feet touched the cold hospital floor, the same symptoms started all over again. I felt the fear rushing over me. Oakley gently helped me up. As I stood up, my head began to feel as if it were being squeezed in a vice, my ears had become muffled again and I felt nauseous. The symptoms seemed to be getting worse, so I decided to sit back down on my bed. I expected to feel better when I stood up this time, not worse. Now I knew something was really wrong. My nurse knew something was off but she continued to stay calm and collected. Oakley became very persistent at this point as I could tell he was scared. He told the nurse that we needed tests done to see if they could find some sort of answer. My nurse assured us that she would talk to my doctor and come up with a plan.  

The following day I woke up feeling a little better, although the pain in my abdomen began to present itself. The pain felt like horrible menstrual cramps. The area felt super sensitive and swollen. Thankfully I was on some medicine that helped. That morning, a nurse came in and let Oakley and I know that I will be getting my blood drawn soon for some testing and a doctor would also be in to talk to us. Meanwhile, my mom and dad came to the hospital to check on me. Oakley explained to them what happened the night before and that we are expecting some answers after my blood tests. I could see the worry in them as Oakley explained what was going on.

My surgeon came into the room to share some news. He said that my hemoglobin levels were very low. Hemoglobin is a red protein that transmits oxygen throughout your body. The normal range for a woman is between 12 and 16. My current level was 4.3. The main worry when your hemoglobin levels drop too low is that you will become anemic. During my surgery the doctor said the amount of blood I lost was normal, so it didn’t seem to make sense why I was having this issue. Yet, I was definitely anemic and my iron levels, or hemoglobin levels, were way too low. During the cesarean everything was documented step by step of what they did and he could not find any reason as to why I would have lost so much blood.

Throughout the 2nd day in the hospital we had many family members come visit us and our new babies. I remember feeling so out of it. There was just so much going on around me and inside of me. I was freaking out. I felt so vulnerable as people were coming in and out of our hospital room. I felt overwhelmed with the questions I was asked by my nurses and family members. I knew that they were only trying to help, and do their job but I was an emotional wreck. I couldn’t believe how bad I was feeling. All I wanted was to enjoy this time with my newborn babies and my husband. I felt no sense of comfort because of the unknown. All I could think is why was this happening to me? Oakley’s body language started to change as time went on. My vital signs and numbers seemed to be somewhat all over the place. My blood pressure and heart rate were bouncing around and confusing the nurses.

A nurse walked in mid-afternoon with the blood bag and IV ready to go as it was finally time for my first transfusion. I felt a sense of relief once they started the process of pumping the new blood into my body, as I truly believed this was going to help. This took about an hour but that was the hour my body began to look human again. I was finally looking pink and feeling normal. I can remember Oakley mentioning how much better I looked almost immediately after the first transfusion. The nurse explained that they would be in the next morning to draw my blood and to test and see if my levels of hemoglobin went up. The first blood draw was encouraging as my levels went up. Unfortunately, my levels had just gone up to only fall right back down according to the next blood test which was around noon on that third day. This was a turning point for my family and I. Not only were we scared, but I was having more symptoms the following day. It was at this time that my vision began to blur. It was almost as if I was looking out of a kaleidoscope. I was seeing prisms. Along with the visual issues, I started to experience half of my face going numb, which was what really got me worried. My nurse informed my doctor on what was going on. As Oakley and I told my parents the news I could see worry in their eyes. They were scared for me. My dad brought it to our attention that he was worried about my body bleeding internally, and my mom felt the same way. I expected to be getting better day by day, not worse.  All I could think at that time was that there was some sort of possibility I might really die. I was in a situation that I could’ve never imagined happening to me. My body was fighting me.

At this time, the only thing that would make any sense to any of us was that I was experiencing some sort of internal bleeding.  Anemia is commonly associated with slow and chronic internal bleeding, so it seemed to make sense. Thoughts fluttered in my mind. Is this really happening? What is Oakley going to do without me? I can’t leave my babies already? Why me? There is no way I just carried these two babies, gave birth to them, and now I was going to die. So many emotions were beginning to come out of everyone. In some ways, it felt like we were all quietly panicking, not trying to scare anyone around us. I remember my mother in law talking to me about how strong I was for fighting through this, as she began to cry. I tried to hold it together but I couldn’t. This all was too much. My babies were just born and we were not sure what was going to happen next. The unknown was terrifying. 

The following day I received my second blood transfusion within 24 hours. Following the transfusion, it was just a waiting game to see if it helped. The hours went by as we waited for the results. I was just laying in bed and couldn’t help but stare at the clock as the minutes passed by. I just wanted to know that I was going to be alright. This was our fourth day in the hospital and I was so sick of being stuck. It is such an odd feeling to be in the hospital bed for all hours of the day. I couldn’t move much at all and just couldn’t wait to be able to help more with the twins. It was around noon that day when our nurse finally came in to share the results. My levels went up to 6.3, which instantly brought a smile to all of our faces. The second transfusion seemed to have worked. The nurse explained that they would consider 7.0 to be a safe level of hemoglobin, so we were finally getting close. She then explained that they would continue to monitor my levels throughout the day. There was still some concern from my parents that I was internally bleeding because a few of my symptoms were still present. They requested that we talked to a doctor to try to get some answers. It was that afternoon when we finally received some information that made sense.

As the doctor stood in front of us all explaining why this was all going on, we all began to feel a sense of relief. It seemed as if someone finally had an idea of how to make sense of it all. She had pulled up my charts to see that I was actually anemic before ever giving birth. I had low iron levels throughout my entire pregnancy and I had even received an iron infusion in the weeks prior to the birth. She said that this is why my iron levels looked so high going into the surgery earlier that week. When in all reality, my iron levels were actually really low and just appeared to be high because of the infusion just a couple weeks prior. When my parents addressed the concern of internal bleeding, she completely agreed and actually said that it is normal to extent when it comes to cesareans, but she didn’t believe that the internal bleeding that was taking place was enough to cause the low hemoglobin levels. She then explained that they were going to give me one more blood transfusion to see if they could get my levels up to that safe level of 7.0 as I was still worried about the symptoms I was experiencing. Within hours, I was receiving my third blood transfusion. It was surreal to have all of this blood pumped into me. Not knowing where this blood came from, or who it came from, would’ve freaked me out any other day, but I just wanted to feel better. Following the final transfusion, the doctor came back in and confirmed that my iron was FINALLY at a safe level. The amount of relief I felt can’t even be described in words. It was at this time I finally was able to stand up and start walking around a little bit on my own. My nurses were right by my side and were the most amazing support system I could’ve asked for. Looking back, it makes me smile to think about how selfless they were. To this day, Oakley and I talk about how incredible our nurses were at comforting me when possible and for also establishing a relationship with us.

While my levels had finally reached 7.0, they were still low considering that most people walk around with hemoglobin levels between 12-14. The doctor then said that this was going to be a working progress as I transitioned into going home with my little ones. They prescribed me an iron supplement and told me that was going to help get my levels back up to normal over the course of the next couple months. They also explained that it was going to be normal to feel tired and fatigued as iron in the bloodstream is what helps move oxygen, and my levels were still low. With all of this being said, I was just happy to be finally talking about going home. The nurses wanted to monitor me for 24 more hours and informed us that we would potentially be going home the next day around noon if all went according to plan. 

That night in the hospital was the first opportunity I had to start enjoying life with my little family. The nurses did their best to give us some alone time as Oakley and I just smiled in relief and talked about how crazy the entire week had been. I will never forget those moments that night as Oakley and I and our two beautiful babies sat together in my hospital bed and just soaked the reality of our situation up. I was alive, I was on my way to being healthy, and we had just started the greatest journey of our entire life, being parents to twins. As I fell asleep that night, I couldn’t help but feel grateful and optimistic.

The next morning as I woke up, I felt different. I finally felt better. The sun was shining outside of our big hospital windows and we knew the day had finally come. It was time to go home! From rushing to the hospital after my water broke, to going through the process of having an emergency C-Section, and then to the horrible recovery, I was finally ready to go home and be a mommy. The only problem was, Oakley and I were EXHAUSTED. This was the beginning of our next battle. The battle of exhaustion.

-Annalissa ❤