In Like Twin

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IM BACK- officially! 

The past year has been a whirlwind. Oakley and I had the wedding of our dreams last September, then our honeymoon and a family vacation. As beautiful as our wedding was, the planning was absolutely draining. My emotions were all over the place leading up to our big day. The stress I was experiencing was contributing to weight gain and depression. I was so stressed out that I was not taking care of myself. I had a goal for what I wanted to look like or feel like for my wedding day but I was far from it. I had a body image in mind that was not realistic nor realistically met. I wasn’t working out, I wasn’t eating healthy, and my confidence was diminishing. The past year I’ve been putting myself on the back burner.

Starting my blog has been an outlet of emotions that I have been able to share with you all but how I was feeling inside was prohibiting me to share. I want to share more of my story and my world moving forward. This past year, I was really struggling to connect with myself. With my body especially. Being vulnerable has been something I’ve always struggled with. The fear of being judged and accepted was taking over me, but I would like to share this with you. The social media platform sometimes conforms your mind into believing you need to look a certain way. I have been a victim to falling into this pattern.

Looking back eight years ago when I was in high school I struggled with my body image. I remember vividly taking weight loss pills, or starving myself. There were a few other things that contributed to this hatred of my body, but it always seemed to be there. I would look at myself in the mirror and pick out all the parts I wanted to change. On Pinterest I had a body goals section, of what I wanted to look like. I was so absorbed in constantly altering my body. I was never satisfied or confident. I felt so insecure that I was willing to abuse my body in a way that it shouldn’t have been treated.

As many of you know having children and finding time for yourself is so hard. Quite often I was feeling so exhausted at the end of the day I didn’t have the motivation to workout. I knew my body was going to change, but I didn’t expect it to change this much. I was constantly looking in the mirror. I would stretch my skin and pull it up to see what it would look like with out loose skin. I was sucking in and constantly thinking about how much I wish I didn’t have my stomach. I tried all of the oils, creams, and lotions. Nothing seemed to stop the reality that I was going to have stretch marks and loose skin. I have been having a hard time adjusting. I carry weight differently now.

As I was taking these photos I couldn’t help but to feel anxious. I was anxious at the fact someone could judge me based upon these photos. I was anxious that if I shared these photos someone would talk bad about my body. My best friend took these pictures and even around her I felt so vulnerable and uncomfortable. I felt completely naked. Maybe this was the point though, because being vulnerable creates growth and growth transforms into confidence. Why do we spend some much time hating our body? Instead of giving grace and embracing ourselves? Having a relationship with yourself and loving yourself is so important. I feel like a lot of women go through this, even if you don’t have children.

You could almost relate your relationship with your body as marriage. Two people that are stuck together forever. If you don’t cherish it or make time for it, it will go to waste. You can always look for the bad in the relationship, or you can embrace the beauty of it being imperfect, but perfect for you. Hold yourself and your body to that. Forgive yourself for the hateful words you’ve said about it. I’ve learned that the hard way. I’ve spent years and years hating and altering my body to fit social standards.

Although I still fall into these patterns sometimes I’m here to tell you, you’re not alone. Stop conforming to society and unrealistic expectations you put on yourself. Looking back at the years I’ve spent hating my body was such a waste. There is so much more to life than the image of our body.

-Annalissa ❤